Have you ever noticed that men enjoy the pursuit of a desired object more than actually obtaining it?

Women aside (we’re no longer simply “objects” you know), the process of searching, locating, examining, pricing and negotiating for their newest “toy”, generates more passion in men than winning at Fantasy Football.

For centuries, shopping was an activity strictly relegated to women. First it was for the necessities such as household basics and food. Then slowly morphing into the thrill and rush of finding that “new thing” and damn the credit card. Men on the other hand only bought objects out of necessities (i.e., a horse for a plow, land to farm, a double shot of whiskey).

Ah, but Madison Avenue, realizing it had the female component of consumerism firmly in hand , soon introduced the male counterpart to revolving payments, pay as you go and, of course that phrase no man can resist, “You’ll be the envy of your friends.”

Men were being told they deserve more than a new toolbox, a liter of hard liquor (although if there’s some slutty woman in the ad, it might be a winner), or ugly ties as presents. Fast cars, computers, flat screen TV’s, Dolby surround sound systems and sleek boats are what every man really wants and deserves.  But as wise men have often said, be careful of what you wish.

My day of reckoning that this malady had affected my husband came unexpectedly.

 “You want to buy what?” I exclaimed, shaking myself out of my daydreams.

 “A boat. You know, those things that float on the water” my husband patiently explained while making up and down wave movements with his hand.

“Don’t get cute. I heard you, and no.”

 “Just think of all the pleasure a boat will give us. On hot summer days, we’ll be enjoying the warm breezes, sun on our faces, cool water spray on our bodies.”

“Now wait a minute. We can experience all that in our back yard,” I countered. “Especially if I turn the sprinklers on. Wouldn’t you rather have a leaf blower?”

Quickly, he took another approach.

“You’ll look great with the wind blowing through your lovely hair, sporting an awesome tan and looking so sexy in a new bathing suit.”

OK,  so I started to warm up to the idea after that statement. Yes, I could see myself gorgeous in some designer bathing suit, water skiing behind some powerful sleek boat, cutting through the waves with abandon and pretending not to notice the gawks from other men in their puny boats. Go Irene!

I looked into the eyes of my husband and said, “Well, ok, Let’s  start looking for some water skis. How much horsepower were you thinking of?”

“What skis? What horsepower? I’m not talking power boat. I’m talking sailboat.”

“Sailboat! I don’t know anything about sailboats, except that the whole Kennedy clan used to enjoy them.”

“See there, it’ll be a challenge. You love challenges. Here, look at some of these beauties I’ve been finding on the internet.”, he said, turning the laptop around so I could view the monitor.

I stared numbly at the screenshots of sailboats that seemed endless in their availability as my husband scrolled through the  array. After about two minutes of viewing sailboats in all shapes and sizes, it dawned on me that for him to have this at his fingertips to present to me, he  had to seriously pursue buying a boat for a while. I turned away from the monitor and glared at him.

“it’s obvious that this not something you just thought of. You’ve been searching for boats for some time.”

“I like to be prepared for any potential lifestyle changes”, he replied defensively.

Lifestyle changes? This from a man who wore the same type of boxer shorts with the little  designs  on them his mother used to buy him since grade school.

“Won’t you please just look at them — for me?”

Puppy dog eyes, especially his, get me all the time.

I looked at sailboats, big and small—boring. However, the ones that did get my attention were the larger pics that displayed groups of people decked out in designer duds with bubbly whatever in their hands and laughing.

“Don’t they ever spill a drop?” I asked. “And how come none of them look afraid of the obvious potential of kissing the water at any moment seeing the steep angle they’re at.”

My husband slammed the laptop cover and said,

“That’s what real seamanship is about.  If  you know how to sail, you have all the confidence in the world. It’s an exhilarating experience to have that much control.”

My husband just turned into Captain Bligh.

“it’s the next best thing to – sex!” he declared.

After 40 plus years of marriage, two children, three grandchildren, one dog and two needy cats, I guess he was entitled to a statement like that – almost. I filed it away mentally under “THINGS TO BRING UP TO HIS FACE” for future fights.

There’s a point in your life when you don’t sweat the small stuff. The shopping bug had bitten him and I’m just too damn tired. I looked at him and how his eyes lit up as he continued to rattle on about sloops, schooners and yachts, keels and bilges. Anyway, with all those boats to consider, this might take a few weeks, months, and even hopefully completely forgotten as those old brain cells sloughed off at his age.

“Ok, hon. You’ve convinced me.”