Random Musings by Paul Burri

Some useful  aphorisms

  1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
  1. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
  1. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Giggle and Smirk – a comedy team

Ignostic – a person who is so ignorant that he doesn’t know whether he believes or not.

Seeing Jesus in a piece of burnt toast. I wonder why that never happens on a bagel? (or a matzoh?)

Whenever my hearing aid batteries are starting to get low, I hear a strange tinkling sound in my ear. Yesterday I heard that sound again but I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids. Do you suppose God is trying to tell me something?

It’s worrisome and depressing when you’re not feeling up to par and your doctor can’t figure out what’s wrong with you. So you can understand how excited I was to hear that he has diagnosed me as being apathetic. PB (I was also apathetic when he said I was excited.)

I joined a men’s group where everyone is supposed to have an Indian name like Red Pony, Grey Wolf, Charging Bear, Wise Owl, etc. For my name I can’t decide between Who Gnu, Dumb Ass or Smart Asp.

New business ideas:

         Do-it-yourself embalming kit.

         Air conditioned hot air balloons

         Mail-order anvil repair

Know the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

 I love to go to lunch with an old friend who can’t remember anything any more. I have to listen to the same stories over and over again but he can never remember whether it’s his turn to pay.

What’s the definition of yellow?

“You boil my rabbit.”

“I wish that people who tell me they just had an indescribable experience would stop trying to describe it to me.” PB

Do you ever wonder what unbelievers believe? PB

Common sense is genius dressed in working clothes. – RWE

Don’t worry about good packaging. Just mark it Fragile.

The art of art is knowing when to stop.

  1. Burri

As useful as a paperweight in a pumpkin patch.

Greatest idea since the invention of Preparation H.

Have you ever wondered what Preparation A thru G were used for?

Greatest idea since the invention of the all-white-meat chicken.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

“Art is about art. Everything else is about everything else.”   Ad Reinhardt

I think I’d avoid the business school named, Bank & Ruptsee.


Law firm of Teeter, Totter, Stagger and Fall

“I can’t exactly define a bad haircut but I know one when I see it.”

In my lifetime I’ve had three wives; two of my own and one of some other guy’s.

My left brain is never right; my right brain has nothing left.

Failing is not the falling down. It’s the not getting back up.

Fairy tales don’t teach children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales teach children that dragons can be killed. G.K.Chesterton

I have finally perfected my incompetence. PB

Novels are never finished; they’re just abandoned. Earnest Hemingway

I’ve invented a pill that cures Alzheimer’s disease. Now I’m working on a pill that will help people remember to take them.

I may be old but I’m in much better shape than a lot of cars my age. PB

Prayer for the day: “God’s will be done and I sure hope it’s the same as mine.” PB

Know how to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.

PB’s review of a piece of modern art.

         “Its dark lightness shows a significant meaningless connection between the viewer and his emotional barrenness magnifying his considerable insignificance.”

You can’t become employee of the month in three days.

He has the amazing ability to make the simple, complex; the easy, difficult; and to express in many words what could be said in a few.    Paul Burri

He’s self taught – and it shows.  Paul Burri

“The only things I’m totally sure about are the things I’m totally unsure about.” Paul Burri

It’s enough to reaffirm my faith in cynicism.

I frequently use the Bible in my arguments. I’ve never read it but I find it very effective to wave it around a lot.

“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image if He hates all the same people that you do.”   ????

If the God you love hates all the same people that you do, you can safely assume that you created Him.

(same thing with big words)

I’ve heard of bridge tenders and I believe they exist. Chicken tenders – not so much. PB

Forgiveness carries with it the willingness to swallow the guilt and injustice of the person that you are forgiving. This is the hardest part of forgiveness.

This happened many years ago—but then again when you get to my age, everything happened many years ago.

“Ay, trial moves rapidly on when the judge has determined the sentence beforehand.” Ivanhoe/Sir Walter Scott

Be careful whom you scoff at. He might just win the election.

Stealing from one author is plagiarism; stealing from many is research.

When things go wrong and you get in trouble be a man; blame your wife.

“I am not adverse to using litotes. As a matter of fact I not infrequently find them quite effective and useful.” – Paul Burri

“Many times I have found that I can make progress—like rowers—who row backwards to get to where they want to go.” – Paul Burri

Wisdom consists of two parts – a) having something to say and b) not saying it. anon

Nothing is impossible. If my dog pees enough, maybe someday he’ll spell out his name.

Our cat fell into the pool but she’s OK. She knows how to dog-paddle.

  1. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

4.a Thinking outside the box is a great idea – unless you’re a cat.

  1. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
  1. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
  1. Business conventions are important because they

demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

  1. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger

than everyone else looks ? corollary – I don’t look my age  but I used to.

  1. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
  1. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
  1. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more


  1. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this:  It could be a right number.
  1. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
  1. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
  1. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
  1. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  1. Do you realize that in about 40 years we’ll have millions of old women running around with tattoos (& worse yet, body piercings)? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
  1. Money can’t buy happiness – but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
  1. After 70, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
  1. People say that I’m indecisive but I’m not so sure about that.
  1. I usually protest against just criticism but I always accept unearned applause.
  1. I’m really worried. I dream that I can’t remember things and then when I wake up, I can’t remember the dream.
  1. The tattooed man was driving to the circus when he ran over the bearded lady. Police are calling it a freak accident.
  1. People who insist on calling you Buddy, probably aren’t.
  1. It’s probably not a good idea to enroll at the Bank & Ruptsee School of Business.
  1. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  1. Re disappointment:

         It’s like learning that Fabio’s real name is Myron Goldstein.

         It’s like learning that K-Y Jelly is made from used motor oil.

  1. Have you ever wondered what his name was before he changed it to Engleberg Humperdink?